Confusion

I have no idea what i want in my life. All i know is that i am loosing passion in what i am currently doing. Why no one understand? I am not blaming anyone but i have never known what i wanted to do in life.  How is it wrong to not want to work as what i am trained for? What is the big deal of taking a year off? Why i cannot do that? Why is doing something that not many does wrong? Why is it not right? When can i do as i wish? Why must i follow your expectations? Why i can’t decide for myself? How can i decide for myself? Do i really need to go against everyone to chase after my dream? Why i cannot switch? Why can’t i change my mind? How am i going to live through every day doing something that i need to do instead of because i want to do it? What am i? Who am i? Why am i here? How do i end up like this?Why is my change suck a taboo? Why is money such a sensitive topic? Why can’t i decide the path i want to go? Why won’t anyone LISTEN to me? How come no one UNDERSTANDS me? Where am i to go from here? Why i feel so stuck? Why i feel so confined? restricted? limited? Why am i regretting? What is the reason for me to give up what i want to do? How can i know what i really want? How can i make sure? Why am i always protected? What does risk mean? Why is it not right for me to take risk? Why am i different? How different am i? Why is everyone the same? Why can’t they see other options? WHY WON’T YOU BELIEVE THAT I CAN DO IT? When will i finally be free? Why is everyone telling me my thinking is NOT RIGHT? How i can i gain experience? From where can i get real experience? WHY IS DEGREE SO IMPORTANT? Why is studies the one and only priority in my life? Why can’t i quit school when i want to?Why can’t i take a break when i want to? When can i go back? What is life? WHY IS JOB THE ONLY WAY OF LIFE? Why do you think me going into business is sounds stupid? Why is your knowledge so shallow? How is it not right if i don’t do what everyone does? Why do you think i am not capable? How am i not capable? Why can’t you consider what i think for a change? Why can’t you change? If you can’t change, why are you not letting me change? Why do i sound like an idiot to everyone? Why is it that i only have words and no actions? How can i put my words into action? Why does it take money to make money? How can i make money without money? Who decides that mlm is a stupid idea? Who are those that fail that act as an example that i will fail too? Why can’t people acknowledge success? Why does people think that i change because of others? What is most important to me? How can i hit my goals? WHY AM I SO FREAKING STUCKED? i have 1001 questions in which i have no answer to. WHY AM I THINKING SO MUCH? Because i am not happy, not satisfied and sick of my life now. So much i want to do yet i am not allowed to do anything. Because? I have too many reasons that i cannot ignore. Because i have too many people that i cannot ignore. Because i owe people. Because i am doing something that will only provide me with 1 and only choice in life. Because no one is willing to see frome a different perspective. If i want to do it what can stop me? My mind. Myself. I am still afraid. My first ever goal for now is to overcome myself. My fears. My own mind that is holding me back. My head. I am my own enemy.

how?

yeah.. it will never be. never ever.

I apologize for rejecting/ignoring your calls and hanging up on you. The more we talk, the more destructive the conversation is. It’s better to stop. I know you will do the same to me for u think I pretended to be asleep… i don’t expect you to answer me anyhow. I was really trying to sleep. I failed miserably and i am feeling the aftermath now.

Let’s take a break. For how long this will be, i don’t know. We are in such turbulence that, it is really going out of my grasp. Just one question… do you understand? Since you said you don’t. Not even a single thing after all the explaination i’ve done, then, let’s just keep it simple. When there’s no point of talking, might as well not talk at all. I see it as a waste of energy and time.

All that i wish for you to know is that. I am still the same - deep inside. How i feel… I simply can’t stand arguing with you anymore. It’s really disturbing and it’s affecting me as a person. Although i tried, tried to settle it - the problems between us. But, if you’re not willing to take a step back, there’s no point for me to do it by myself.

I may not be all right. I do have my issues and mistakes. I may even be bias here. But, i really don’t know what i can do anymore. What should i do to make us better except avoiding the issue entirely. We may be able to avoid it now, but we cannot avoid it forever. It will always be there.

We have different thoughts. We are uncommon in many things.. this is just one. and look what happened to us? What about others?

Please, respect my decision as i respect yours.

One do not need to agree to respect. It’s call… compromising.

If my reasons are unacceptable or nvalid to you, let it be. If you think that i will definitely fail, let me. When i do, then you may throw it in my face saying.. i told you.

If i want to go towards a way that you think may destruct my life, let me go for i have my reasons. It may look hazardous to you, but not necessarily it’s the same to me.

Even though sometimes, i disagree with your actions, if you think that that is what you should do, i respect that and you may go ahead for you don’t need my permission. Even if you do, if that’s what you feel strongly about, go ahead.

I am here to support you. Whatever decision you make, i respect.

In a relationship, apart from commitment, trust, honesty - which i kind of violated recently, respect is vital too. This is what lack in ours. Respect.

Let’s take a break.

i slept with the pups. or rather they came sleep with me. Belle snores! I couldn’t sleep very well throughout the night because i’m just constantly aware that someone/something is above and beside me. and the ocassionally move - especially belle. one time i can feel something beside me, then i can feel a warm lump by my feet, then i heard… snores! i thought someone was in the house. jeez.

i peeked. she was sleeping with her tummy facing the ceiling, paws in the air, all stretched out and snoring. the only thing i can’t stand… is snoring and consistent movements during the night when i am trying to sleep.

sigh

also, i was so frustrated with the same person over and over again. how i feel towards him is how he feels towards me at the same time. i am so wth till i can imagine myself playing one of those arcade drum machines… where i can just whack the to my heart’s content. too bad there are none here. eventhough i have to break my rule of living frugally, i will go. and whack the hell out.

i cannot concentrate since last night. i feel like i want to… beat the hell out of myself. like. go run or swim or sit ups or whatever, till i’m 1000% exhausted. then go sleep. i am so tempted to do that. my mind is just no there. i am just not who i was. i know i changed, but i don’t need someone to tell me i should change MORE everyday. I’m sick of it. Or rather reminding me… if you want it so badly what can stop you.

if it’s so easy, why can’t you answer me when i asked you? Since that’s the case, so f*** off. damn.

Since there’s nothing to talk anymore between us, we might as well jsut exit from each other’s life. isn’t it better? that way, i will be able to do as i may and you… the idiot who act like an idiot in front of you will disappear. then you won’t get frustrated and won’t “not see the point” anymore.

you may live as you wish. i have absolutely no problem with that. that’s the reason why i do not interfere in your issues. i am expected to be treated the same way too. respect is what i seek. not commands. not counter attacks. i don’t need those from you.

i despise it when you ask me questions where yourself fail to answer. i do not listen because i don’t like to be told what to do by you when i rarely see you do what you preach. i cannot see, indeed… but i do not know. because you think it’s too much of a small matter to even tell me about anything. on the other hand, i’m acting like stupid, telling everything. i cannot stop talking and i cannot keep myself angry for a time significant enough to actually have an effect on anyone. that’s my biggest weakness and you caught it.

i want to be respected. not to be looked down upon. why do i get so defensive? because i feel threatened. isn’t it normal?

you feel so damn proud with where you are now. yes compared to many you are okay. but i don’t see anything special about you, right now. i only see bad bad attitudes. i’m not good neither. so when bad meets bad. the result won’t be any good.

degree is over rated. so what if you got a job without a degree? many people did that. what’s the big deal about it. your arrogance is immeasurable. you think you are better than me because i’m still a baby. spending others money.

i am where i am now, and i am trying to get out of it but i need time. i need plans. i don’t wish to be anymore of an idiot anymore.

i am just stubborn. and i take time in doing things where i think it’s worth it. i am not bull. i have a brain and i am glad i can use it for my own good. regardless whether it’s a good decision or not, i shall determine. i cannot please everyone. it’s a waste of energy to even try to. because we’re humans. it’s almost impossible. hence, i choose who i want to please and it’s definitely not you.

the only thing i need from you is respect. not a place for you to take off your frustration or impose your thoughts on me.

as i’ve always said… everyone has their own viewing glass. something that is splendid to you, may not for others.

understand me. understand my position. understand my consequences. respect my choices. be patient with my actions. give me time.

unfortunately, you cannot do that.

we are to walk together, but it ended up, you leading. pulling me along…

i want to be beside you. not behind, trailing or chasing after you.

if that’s what you expect of me, sorry i cannot do that.

i am tired of myself

i just want to drift away

to where i do not know

talking to you doesn’t make me feel any better

in fact, it’s making things worst

if i were to drift away

it will include you

i did not ask about your issues

why are you interefering in mine?

i have my own reasons

to you, my reasons are excuses

only what comes from you is valid?

who am i?

who am i to you?

who are you?

all i know is that

i am nothing like you

i do not live in a world consisting only me

i have expectations to meet

i have responsibilities to take on

i am a dependent

i cannot just act as i like

no matter how much i tempt to

why can’t you understand?

we cannot just avoid it

it will always be there

this is the second time

i am drifting away

there’s no need to talk anymore

it’s just a waste of time

when you can’t see my point

and i don’t understand yours

what can i say?

the more we talk,

the worse it become

the more we talk,

the more miserable i am

you are what’s important to you

i am me, not intending to change

yet, we are both stubborn

we are totally different

and compromising is alien to us

toleration is what we need

toleration is what we lack

arguments, arguments, arguments

we have done it by every means

although i am tired

i refuse to ignore

the problem will always present

as long as we remain the same

i didn’t know we are coming here! if i knew, i would’ve brought my book! i have so many books to read, so many modules to finish up, so many assignments to do, yet i can’t do anything right now. i don’t have my materials! sigh.

i guess i should take this as a break. to waste time. lol.

i’m so bored. but take this time to talk a bit.

i’m still stuck though.

i’m getting sick of complaining.

i’m sick of talking about it because all i can do is to talk only.

i want to do.

i want to go.

let me go.

if you say you’re stupid, then you are.

if you say you can’t do it, then you can’t.

if you think you will fail, then you will.

if you think you can, then you can.

if you want to change, you can change.

lol so bored. wanna blog but can’t seem to get the flow.

How far? If it’s worth it, very far.

Depends on who…